It's not been an easy go since summer. There are many good things to be grateful for, but a combination of grief and chronic pain has undermined my world in a way that some things have had to give. The main thing is I don't have the mental energy to be disciplined about what I'm eating. It makes me sad, but I don't know what else to do.
It seems wrong that you can undo a lot of work so quickly. It took a year to get my weight down to where it should be, and a matter of weeks to go back. Not that I'm all the way back, but enough that I can't fit into what I was using as my regular clothes for a while. I saved out one pair of bigger pants when I lost weight and now they are they only pants that fit. I will try to get myself under control enough that I don't outgrow those.
There are way more important reasons to go back to my strict way of eating than the size of my pants, the main one being that my headaches are back and it's awful, but it's hard because the benefits of eating what I want are real, too. Not just that it's fun to eat delicious food, but it's a relief to enjoy it with other people. It's fun to share a sandwich with a friend, or to sample a dessert the kids have made on their own and praise it, or to add a snack to a movie experience. When I'm in pain it's hard to choose to add anguish over food choices to that. At least in the moment when I'm eating the cookie I feel good, even if I know the long term consequences are things I don't want.
Pain truncates your perspective because it forces you to live in the moment. People talk about being present only as a good thing, but it's not always true. There are definitely times when it's better to wallow in the past, or live for the future. Sometimes for me right now living in the moment just means distracting myself from the stabbing pains in my breast with cake.
Speaking of cake, I need ideas if anyone has them. Mona's birthday is this weekend, and she asked me to surprise her with the cake. She's not having a friend party, we're just taking a family trip down to the Shedd Aquarium, but she says she doesn't really want that as a theme. (Plus Quinn just had a fish cake, so that would get repetitive.) What would make a cool cake?