Dear Dad (2025)

Dear Dad,

You've been gone almost ten years. 

That is shocking to me, but I got to see my nephew last week, and considering he was only three months old the one time you got to meet him and he just finished fourth grade, I suppose it shouldn't be. 

Quinn, who was eight when you died, is graduating from high school on Tuesday. Mom will be here for that, but at the moment she's in LaCrosse with both Arno and Barrett. We didn't realize until Arno stepped into our kitchen that he hadn't seen it since before the remodel in 2016. He feels so present in my general existence that I missed he was absent from my home for so long.

We were trying to remember the last time our original family was all together in one spot, and worried it might not have been since we were all gathered around your hospital bed in the library. But I checked my old photos and remembered a few times prior to the pandemic years that we managed it. The pandemic messed with many things, including most people's sense of personal history and time. 

One of the things I really hoped might be changed for the better after losing you was a greater sense of urgency among family to make more time to be together. I think we feel that, but it hasn't altered the realities of how our lives function. We're still tethered by responsibilities that are anchored by dates and places that keep us apart. I watch my children, who are all adults now, casually hanging out in our home this summer, and wonder how rare that will become for them in the future. Maybe the logistics of their lives will overlap better than has happened with me and my siblings.

There have been updates to our house both big and small I wish I could show you. Last year we had a bunch of landscaping done, including new walls for the gardens in front and toward the back. We have a new front door that works much better, and new windows in the front room that actually open. I finally put something at the end of the banister in the living room where it looked like a light probably once existed and has just been a goofy looking hole for decades. I found a glass garden orb to put there, and it has solar powered lights inside that turn on in the evening, so it's pretty and also illuminates the stairs a bit at night. 

The big plans in the near future involve renovating the first floor so Ian and I in our new empty-nest lives come fall can live on one level. The nook room you used to stay in will become a bathroom with a walk-in shower, the little bathroom will be a laundry room, and my home shop will move upstairs to Aden and Mona's room while the shop becomes our bedroom. The upstairs will be shop space, Quinn's room (eventually an office and library), and a proper guest room. I think it's a good plan, but I vacillate about altering the house. Although I've never regretted updating the kitchen or redoing the deck, so I'm sure I won't look back and miss the current layout. (Now that I'm writing this, I'm wondering if maybe we should turn the teaching studio in the store into my building shop instead? We don't have as many teachers back there at this point, and it could be easier so consolidate more of the woodworking there. Not sure.)

Mom is good. She's doing such beautiful work, I'm so sorry you can't see it. She's doing a series of animals from India, and she made reproductions of her drawing of a goat that I'm getting framed. (Who knew how spoiled we were by excellent free framing growing up? I miss that!) She's got two interesting book clubs full of intelligent, thoughtful people, and her social life continues to be way more active than mine, but maybe with the free time that comes from having kids out of the house Ian and I will do more with friends. She was in India earlier this year, and if we're lucky and the mandolin orchestra goes to Italy in the fall, I'm planning to bring her along for that. She had the first part of her cataract surgery recently, and next month she has a heart procedure that I will be with her for. She's had a run of rude doctors, but we're hoping the surgeon is better at repairing leaky heart valves than he is at reassuring patients. If it works, Mom should be less fatigued, but honestly for 82 she's accomplishing a lot more than many people at any age. 

All five of your grandchildren would make you proud. Ellora loves Berkeley, and is currently studying abroad in Berlin. Little Rivyn is ten! His interests shift around, but seem to circle back regularly to trains and swords and folklore. Apparently right now he's into geography and flags, so maybe he and Quinn can bond over that sometime.

Aden finished her senior year at UW Stout, but she's doing a fifth year to take advantage of more of the great art courses they offer. Her game "Tubular" won the prize for best game-play at the SGX event this year. Even Mom enjoyed playing it at the senior show the next night. I'm glad Aden's had a positive college experience and gets to extend it a bit longer. She's home for summer. If she moves back to Milwaukee after college we've offered her the back upstairs apartment at the store building. I think it would be fun for her and Mona to live across the hall from each other, but there's no way to know yet where she'll wind up and what opportunities will be out there. 

Mona seems to be really enjoying her life right now. She's very private, so I can't tell you much, but I do know she likes having her own space, her Etsy shop is doing fine, and she's putting in regular hours at the tattoo parlor. Her mentor genuinely appreciates her talent. He told me they would never consider offering instruction about her art, because it's exceptional. They only guide her in understanding the specifics of tattooing. The list of people waiting for her to give them a tattoo when she's ready is getting long. She takes advantage of living near the lake by visiting the park often, and she walks over to the house most evenings. I worry whom she'll hang out with once Quinn leaves in the fall, but otherwise I think she's in a good place.

Quinn requested meatloaf and mashed potatoes for graduation night dinner, so I need to get to the store tomorrow. She's so smart, Dad. And so dear. We've been playing more Scrabble lately, and I'm sure you'd find it cheating with how often we look things up as we go, but we learn so many new words playing games together. Today's game yielded: SEY, LI, and REN. She got into nearly all the colleges she applied to, but she was wait-listed for U of Michigan (which was her first choice), and the only rejection she got was from UW Madison (her second choice) and that really surprised me. Anyway, she's enrolled for fall at UW LaCrosse, which I think will be good. She may need to transfer to another school when she figures out specifically what she wants to study, but for at least the first couple of years I think it could be just right. I love that she'll have family right there, and Barrett on campus. I communicated with the person in charge of gender inclusive housing, and I am reassured that the school will be a supportive environment. Quinn's good at everything and loves to learn, so I can't wait to see what she'll do. All of her teachers at her last conference gave her glowing reviews, particularly in Spanish, Psychology, English, and Economics/Social Studies. Her favorite class was Costume Design/Sewing. (She hopes to make some clothes this summer from our retired Indian table cloths.) She's still a geography wiz (especially when it comes to playing Geo-Guesser), and we got our VR machine working again and she's back to playing Beat Saber. She has her last piano lesson this week. I plan to go along so I can actually hear her play. At home she uses the keyboard with earbuds, so I never get to hear how she's doing. I'm glad she can play, but I'm not sure what it means to her. She asked for the lessons, so it's not like we made her play, but I'm glad she has a musical foundation should she be inspired to do something with it.

Ian continues to enjoy not being in the Army. He's dedicated more energy into the passenger rail and Linux groups. They're lucky to have him. I'm hoping once we get past the big renovation work and are settled into a routine without kids in the house that maybe we can travel more. Even just some nice day trips where we find a dog friendly hotel for the night and explore somewhere new would be fun. Ian misses his mom. It's weird since we sold her house last year that there's no reason for Portland to be a necessary destination anymore. I know the same will be true one day of Pleasant Ridge, but I honestly can't let my mind go there for long because I start to feel physically upset.

Arno is back to a job description I don't know, but he seems to be focused on developing an interactive system for parents to get mental health guidance in real time for their kids. He's also had me do typing tests as part of a research project that I did not benefit from. His life continues to be a whirlwind of grant proposals and trips to India and everywhere, mixed with a lot of work, unexpected home issues (I've lost track of how many times their floors have been repaired), and caring for Pepper. I wish you could see how beautiful their apartment is now. The expansion into the space next door has been a big success.

Barrett was just here for a book signing! We also got to tag along with him to a morning TV show and a bug talk at the Wehr Nature Center the same day. You would have loved the event at Boswell. He gave a great talk, and then signed books with original drawings of insects for people. It's amazing to watch him interact with his son and to see him light up with enthusiasm talking to everyone he meets. I think my favorite line of his at the nature center was when he posed a question, and Arno offered up a possible answer, and Barrett responded with something like, "Not only do you look good, but you know your stuff!" I hope Quinn gets to take a class from him.

At Boswell they asked how my writing was going, and I admitted I was stalled, but hopeful. I have not tackled the edits I paid to have done last year on my novel because as dumb as it sounds, I can't deal with following them in the Google-doc form everyone else seems to like. I have tried repeatedly to have the comments open on one side of my screen and my manuscript open on the other for the rewrite, and it's impossible. So I finally just printed out the whole thing and will copy the edits by hand so I have something physical to refer to, and finally do some writing again. I find it insane that it only takes me a couple of months to write a draft of a book, but years to make something happen with it. I was on the verge of giving up because maybe there was no point in being stressed out over something no one is asking for. But then I got an email from a lovely violin scholar who reminds me very much of you in that the word "gentleman" aptly applies, and he wanted to let me know how much he enjoyed my last book and was looking forward to reading more. So I will keep going. I'd also really like to dive into the next repair guide, but I'd rather do that while in the next waiting phase after editing the novel, so that keeps getting pushed aside.

There is a story about me and my violin store coming out in Milwaukee Magazine next month! I asked the bookstore to reserve two copies for me, and in my heart one of them is really for you. When I think how much you loved to clip articles, I ache a little every time I'm in one and you don't get to see it. I imagine how doubly fun for you it would be to clip an article that was also about someone you love. When Barrett's Insect Epiphany got a huge spread in the local paper, I cut the article out and taped the date along the edge they way you used to.

I wasn't feeling photogenic when the magazine came to take pictures, so I brought along Domino, because she's always cute. Plus she's a legitimate fixture of the store at this point. When we're out, it's not unusual for someone to say, "Hey, that's the violin store dog!" I do love that baby-sized pup. I gave her a bath in the sink this afternoon and now she's super soft.

Store is doing well. My health is better this year compared to last. I try to be good about continuing the exercises I learned in physical therapy last summer so that I won't relapse into not being able to walk again. That was awful, and I don't take being able to move for granted. My next big building project is a pair of violins, one of which is designated for Mom to paint. There's been lots of fun playing with both Festival City and the MMO. I wish at every concert I could see you in the audience.

I need to wrap this up before Father's Day is over. It's been a nice day. I made Ian waffles for breakfast. Quinn and I played Scrabble. I washed the dog and picked up around the house. Ian and I popped over to the store to finish a couple of things. Aden watched an episode of the new season of Taskmaster with us while we ate a dinner Quinn prepared. I walked Domino several times in the nice weather. Mona arrived at the house and helped Quinn make banana bread. I poked at this post a little bit at a time over the course of the whole day, and am finishing up at my workbench.

I have a great life, Dad. Although I often feel conflicted, because the world/our country is coming apart in ways that would have had you feeling justifiably alarmed, but on a personal level I am fortunate enough to be okay. I love my family, we're managing in the moment, but there is so much just beyond our reach that is so terribly wrong that it's hard to grapple with some days. I honestly cannot guess at what things will be like if I go to write you a letter next year. The sheer stupidity of the decisions being made at the highest levels would have you in despair. The cruelty of it all would break your heart. And yet, I can promise you on this day the people you loved most are good. That's something. All I can tell you is I will use the stable ground I am on to help steady others when I can. Because I know that's what you'd want me to do.

I love you. I wish I could hug you.

Happy Father's Day, Dad.

Kory