It's not been an easy go since summer. There are many good things to be grateful for, but a combination of grief and chronic pain has undermined my world in a way that some things have had to give. The main thing is I don't have the mental energy to be disciplined about what I'm eating. It makes me sad, but I don't know what else to do.
It seems wrong that you can undo a lot of work so quickly. It took a year to get my weight down to where it should be, and a matter of weeks to go back. Not that I'm all the way back, but enough that I can't fit into what I was using as my regular clothes for a while. I saved out one pair of bigger pants when I lost weight and now they are they only pants that fit. I will try to get myself under control enough that I don't outgrow those.
There are way more important reasons to go back to my strict way of eating than the size of my pants, the main one being that my headaches are back and it's awful, but it's hard because the benefits of eating what I want are real, too. Not just that it's fun to eat delicious food, but it's a relief to enjoy it with other people. It's fun to share a sandwich with a friend, or to sample a dessert the kids have made on their own and praise it, or to add a snack to a movie experience. When I'm in pain it's hard to choose to add anguish over food choices to that. At least in the moment when I'm eating the cookie I feel good, even if I know the long term consequences are things I don't want.
Pain truncates your perspective because it forces you to live in the moment. People talk about being present only as a good thing, but it's not always true. There are definitely times when it's better to wallow in the past, or live for the future. Sometimes for me right now living in the moment just means distracting myself from the stabbing pains in my breast with cake.
Speaking of cake, I need ideas if anyone has them. Mona's birthday is this weekend, and she asked me to surprise her with the cake. She's not having a friend party, we're just taking a family trip down to the Shedd Aquarium, but she says she doesn't really want that as a theme. (Plus Quinn just had a fish cake, so that would get repetitive.) What would make a cool cake?
Body things are damn tough, yes. Be kind to yourself in this hard time.
ReplyDeleteHow about a cake with the Chicago skyline? I saw a tall white round cake and around the base it had a black silhouette of all the buildings. Or what about a toucan? Your cake skills are so beyond mine it is hard for me to imagine all the amazing options -- we just do the sheet cake with all sorts of Lego ridiculousness on top.
Take care.
The pain is so annoying. I can't even swim right now because using my right arm like that hurts too much. I tried swimming with one arm but it feels too weird.
DeleteI like those ideas! I was thinking of a macaw, but I'm going to go with a turtle because of the time factor. I only have a couple of hours after work and taking Quinn to Latin lessons, and a turtle sounds easy to me. I told Mona this morning not to expect anything too amazing because there wasn't much time to plan, and she was fine with it. She's happy with anything, really. She's wonderful. I can't believe she's going to be 12.
... a duck tape roll cake? You've set the bar pretty high! My girls and nephews get star-shaped multi-coloured sprinkles on their birthday every time and it always make their day:)
ReplyDeleteI considered a duct tape roll, but that seemed too easy. A whole box of doughnuts decorated like that would be cool! But Mona already wants to do simple cupcakes with sprinkles for school.
DeleteAnd thanks for the compliment, but sometimes the higher you set the bar the farther it has to fall:
http://the-quiet-corner.blogspot.com/2013/12/cake-wreck-2013.html
I like the duct tape roll idea!! 😀
ReplyDeleteAs for the fat pants, I'm wearing mine too right now, though obviously with a different reason to need them. I don't think I'd be able to follow any sort of diet when in emotional / physical pain either! When you're ready I have no doubt you'll be able to get back where you want to be, health-wise!
Happy birthday to Mona!
-Lisa
Ah, but one of the benefits of a new baby (particularly one as cute as your daughter) is that nobody is looking at you anyway, so fat pants be damned! I know I will get back there, but it took so much effort and it all unraveled so quickly. It just seems unfair. (But life is seldom fair.)
DeleteI'm so sorry about your pain. Not being able to exercise is really hard. When I had a shoulder injury, I still went to swim practice but did everything as kick sets. It's not as good as swimming but it still feels nice to be in the pool and it does give you legs a work out. I'm not sure if it is too uncomfortable to stretch your arm above your head - maybe you could do some sets with a board of flutter kick on your side instead?
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I say this all completely unrelated to your post about your pants. I just know for me mentally it is hard not to be able to exercise I thought would offer some suggestions in response to you comment above about the pain and not being able to swim.... I hope this passes soon for you!
I can't really use my left arm when I swim right now, so it gets frustrating. I have to force myself to get in the pool every day as it is, so when I feel like I'm not accomplishing anything there it's hard to want to bother. Yesterday I was in too much pain to try, but today I did backstroke for about 25 minutes. It was better than nothing, but that's hardly a slogan to keep me motivated. But I have new doctors on the case, so with luck things will turn around!
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