Recently while waiting in the car before the drive to school my daughter, Mona, had a question.
Often it takes Mona a while to say what she wants to say. There is usually a prelude along the lines of "Mom? Well, mom.... So, mom, can I ask, well there's... Uh, mom? Mom, can I ask you a question?" She strings fragments of thoughts together in a way where it's hard to tell if she's stalling because she's unsure where she's going yet, or if she's nervous about the reaction she will get when the sentence is finished. Ian and I learned years ago not to interrupt her when we think we know what she's getting at because she becomes deeply offended. So we wait. It can be a long time to get to the end of a question or story, but it's always worth it to hear it with Mona's unique (if halting) construction.
However, the other day, after the drawn out opening of "Mom?" etc., followed by a disclaimer that her question was probably silly, she asked quite simply, "Why are we here?"
"Do you mean here in Milwaukee? Or are you asking why do we exist?" I tried to clarify.
"Yeah, why is there anything? What's the point?"
Quinn, sitting next to Mona, seemed very interested in this question. I told them it was not a silly question at all, and repeated it to Aden when she finally got in the car and we started to actually head to school.
I told Mona that her question was really the one Big Question, and that nobody knows the answer. Anyone who claims to is guessing, and the birds and the trees know about as much as we do about why we are here. There is a difference between believing something and knowing it. I told my kids that people who believe in God trust that He knows the answer and assume we have a purpose. Those of us who don't believe in God must create our own meaning in this world.
I believe we bring meaning to our lives by appreciating and respecting all the things around us, and by trying to leave the world a better place than we found it.
I also told my kids not to ever let anyone make them feel that their lives lack wonder or meaning simply because we don't follow a religion. We are not to be pitied or made to feel that we are missing out. There are lots of ways to look at our existence and feel awe. For instance, since matter can neither be created nor destroyed, just transformed, we are in effect all made from star dust. And how amazing is the idea that there was once a blazing ball of gaseous fire hurtling across the universe, and now it's part of that school bus over there, and some geese? Anyone who can't see the glory in that is just not trying.
The drive to school is approximately eight minutes, so that was about all the time we had for Mona's question. They laughed about the blazing star turned into a school bus as they climbed out of the minivan, and told me they liked my idea about trying to create good in the world. They all called out that they loved me as they happily headed off toward the school building.
I watched them for a moment, and as I drove away I thought about how the question of why we are here is a lot for my kids to begin to grapple with, but for me the answer is simple anymore. All the meaning I need had just gone tromping through the snow with smiles on their faces. My bundles of star dust in snow boots whom I love more than all the world.
Yes, I remember a certain 4-year-old asking from the back seat, while we were stopped at a light, "Mommy, do we all die?" That was fun.
ReplyDeleteHa! I've gotten that one too. Mona, out of nowhere, "I don't want you to die!" Good times.
DeleteI love your response. I am not religious myself, and I do wonder how I will answer my son's question when time comes. :)
ReplyDeleteI must say, that while it may seem easier to answer that question if you're affiliated with a religion, it's not. Not really. Children are NOT satisfied with the response, "Because God put us here." Trust me. Then again, maybe it's just MY children...
ReplyDeleteWe also have had frank discussions about death. That's another fun one. Oy.
When I talk to my kids about death I tell them since it's inevitable and nobody knows for sure what happens, better to focus on life while we're lucky enough to live it. They are strangely satisfied with that.
DeleteActually, I think discussing questions about the meaning of life in a specific religious framework would be very complicated. It brings the concept of faith along with other religions into play. I have it easy in the sense that I can admit I don't know, and don't have to pretend to know. I have it harder in the sense that non-religious affiliation is often equated by other with amorality or having an untrustworthy character. I worry about that for my kids a bit if they choose to stay on a non-religious path.
I think it may depend on where you live. In coastal, urban areas there can be as much pressure to *not* have a religious or spiritual affiliation as to have one, and many assumptions that religious people must be gullible and small-minded.
DeleteLove your writing -- it helps bring meaning to some of my days with its thoughtfulness.
-Alison
"My bundles of star dust in snow boots..." Oh my gosh, this phrase. I'm in heaven. Beautiful writing.
ReplyDeleteI'm not particularly religious. So I'll assume that the point is to enjoy life with my wife all the days of this fleeting life I'm given, because that is my portion in life and in my work here on earth. And whatever I do, I'll do with all my might; for there is no work or thought or knowledge or wisdom after we die.
ReplyDeleteA religious person might come to the same conclusion, but would give due credit to Ecclesiastes 9:9-10.
It's always fun thinking big thoughts with you, Kory!
Mark
Anya has been thinking about this a lot too, lately. I wonder if this is a result of her age, or if it has something to do with entering our fifth month of winter. We are not religious either, and so we talked a lot about being free to interpret the universe in ways that feel right to us, rather than simply believing what others tell us, about never fulling knowing the answers but spending our lives asking questions, about stories versus science and how each can be powerful, about living lives of fullness and goodness and adding beauty to the world... we had more than eight minutes because this was a weekend in the kitchen. She went upstairs and came down an hour later with various drawings she'd made of light beams and swirls of colors and other beautiful images that she said were her own ideas about creation and God and kindness. Sometimes I miss that little baby we carried around and put down for naps, but now that she's older, I find her ideas and company so wonderful I'm glad she's not that little infant anymore.
ReplyDeleteI suspect that you are "religious" in a way you do not see, for you rhapsodize about "bundles of star dust in snow boots." This is rather a narrative too, for "in the beginning" is answered in the supposedly modern world with a "big bang" rather than a big god, and both are beliefs. I prefer to think that the word religion is in fact individual while collective. Some indentify with one group or another, while others do not. But think of all those who chatter about spirituality. Like Chomsky's now seminal notion about a hard-wired language faculty, I think there is also a hard-wired mental module with allows the handling of beliefs, even beliefs in God and no-God. Brain science research and AI studies suggest that beliefs are unsupported and perhaps unsupportable propositions, and your lovely article is about unsupported things too. "I believe we bring meaning to our lives by appreciating and respecting all the things around us, and by trying to leave the world a better place than we found it." Belief and assigning meaning and values. Everyone seems to process a belief, and even our language rather requires using the word and other such synonyms. As you wrote, "I believe...." My wife calls this the "non-godded church of nice." The credo you wrote -- I believe -- is a credo, and perhaps also your prayer for the lives of your "bundles of star dust in snow boots."
ReplyDeleteI suppose when I use the word religion I intend it to mean a set of beliefs organized around particular stories or principles, and I suppose if we were to stop there I might be deemed religious. But the difference for myself would likely be that I don't claim to know, and must draw on my own sensibilities to judge how to live my life rather than trust a different authority to tell me. The biggest difference between science and religion is that it is grounded in observation and testing rather than faith. If someone comes up with a theory that disproves Newton's laws of thermodynamics tomorrow, I'm fine with abandoning my story of stardust in snow boots. I welcome a challenge to my beliefs, and will not stick to ideas that do not continue to make sense to me.
DeleteChecked back. Thanks for the reply. As I suspected, you have your beliefs, as your response and language attest. That was my observation that while your beliefs are different from others, they are still beliefs. I haven't met someone yet who hasn't got some sort of belief system at work, some formal and some informal. But all are belief systems, which seem to operate alongside knowledge systems. AI seems to define knowledge as the supported proposition and belief as the unsupported proposition. One cannot believe in thermodynamics, becaue it is knowledge based. One must believe in a big bang, or in the ego and super-ego as in other metaphors with which people deal with modern life because the propositions are very poorly supported, even when held by scientists and social science folks. I suspect you are teaching your "stardust in snow boots" munchkins many beliefs, which time will come to show. Best wishes.
DeleteI think it's fair to say we all must believe in something or else we wouldn't be able to function. I happen to make a distinction between some beliefs and what constitutes a formal religion. Thank you so much for your comments! They are certainly appreciated.
DeleteChecked back yet again, Lady of the Violin. "Distinctions between some beliefs and formal religion" vary from person to person, no doubt. I make a distinction that evangelizing atheism is among the formal religions of today, though ostensibly secular. It does contain unsupportable beliefs, has organizations by which it gathers and meets, and amasses to itself commentary of various types from many sources and purports to offer a world view with even its own "prima causa" stories, such that Higgs boson can be touted in the press as the "God particle" and that big bang be the secular genesis myth. Given that hard science by definition relies on and operates within supported propositions or knowledge, science is remarkably free of belief statements such that today's secular bishops making their no-God unsupported statements are the modern equivalent of the old Protestant at odds with a Roman Church. All in all, I remain wary of people who pretend to not believe, while offering their beliefs as oddly unsupported facts. Brava to you for stating otherwise, that "we all must believe in something." I agree that with belief processing (which my colleagues and I are discussing in terms of AI modeling) is a necessary mental module even if so poorly understood. In coming generations, I suspect we shall understand more and still find awe in the world and beliefs at work in us all. Best wishes.
DeleteI enjoyed reading this exchange, although I am wary of anyone hinting that belief systems are equally weighted. There is far more weight behind any well-tested scientific theory than anything backed merely by blind faith. I am as excited as anyone to explore this planet, but I am not beholden to beliefs based on nothing but historical hearsay.
DeleteI object to categorizing atheism as a religion, so I suspect "Anonymous" and I are not working from the same basic definitions anyway. I'm also uneasy when people imply belief systems are equally weighted, although that's true in the sense that when the sun explodes none of them will matter anyway. I'm less concerned with their true validity in this life than I am with how much harm they can potential cause. A belief system that sees one race as superior to another, for instance, is not one I would have respect for. A belief system that worships tree or has people praying to ancestors doesn't necessarily hurt anyone or interfere with my life so I don't care if other people find them comforting or useful.
DeleteIf there is value in exploring and accepting truth (natural explanations of natural phenomena), there may be more harm to blind faith than meets the eye. This is something Richard Dawkins explores in The God Delusion. Happiness... at the expense of truth?
DeleteTruth can be a slippery thing. It's one thing to address facts (the law of gravity, how a cell functions...) and another to grapple with questions that are not appropriate for science (is something beautiful or funny). On one level I don't believe my existence matters. On another I know it matters deeply to my kids and people who care about me. Both are true. Whatever narrative I use to get me through the day doesn't impact you. Do I respect blind faith? No. Do I appreciate it in people who admit to me they would otherwise commit acts of rape or other cruelty? Sure. Not ideal, but I'll take it.
DeleteScience can address questions relating to beauty and humor, depending on the context and the question posed. Some of the work I'm helping to conduct in Panama investigates mate choice by what is attractive to a female frog. With humans, we can examine the importance of salient features, of symmetry, how we respond hormonally and neurologically to stimuli. We can test fitness advantages to each. Few things are beyond the scope of science. As for those who "admit" they would commit heinous acts were it not for their faith, I bet many of them are engaging in a desperate bluff.
DeleteOf course science can address questions related to almost anything, but there isn't always a point. Relative attractiveness and its functions is interesting, but I don't need a study to tell me I think Quinn leaving the house this morning with his shirt on backwards was cute.
DeleteIf you find the Stooges funny and I don't, both things can be true. But if you want me to conduct a study to prove my truth is scientifically more valid than yours on that matter then I will start writing the grant.
This was an Everybody Loves Raymond episode I happened to flip to the other day (lord knows why). Your answer was better than Raymond's. :-)
ReplyDelete