My kids and my husband are still out at my parents', but with a business to run and teaching obligations to fulfill I had to come back early. So I have the house to myself. And it's weird. I don't think I've ever been alone in my own house overnight since we've had kids. I've been away from them before, but I can't think of another time when everyone was away from me.
How many times have I wished wished wished that I could have a vacation in my own house? Where everyone would leave for a while and not undo all the cleaning as I'm doing it? Or that there was no one to cook for but myself and I'd be free from the tyranny of meals for other people? To do what I please without interruption? To have it be quiet?
Well, it's quiet.
I'm starting to see that there is such a thing as too quiet. And too clean. And too simple.
I straightened up the stray toys in the living room last night, and now the room looks less inviting. There's no evidence of my kids' happy play and creative games. I like things to be clean because it sets the stage for something fun. But there is no one here to then step on that stage, and all that clean space just looks lifeless.
I'm being silly, right? I'm being silly. I'm probably just having trouble adjusting and by the time I'm used to it and it feels like a good thing it will be over. But I miss the hugs and snuggles and the cute things my kids say and do. I miss my family. My days never feel complete when I don't have my husband to tell them all to, and any day that I don't see my kids I know I'm missing something. All of that is worth more than a clean living room. And it's lonely here.
Luckily, I have the dog.
|Chipper on Aden, whom he misses very much|
I think I'd be enjoying this more if I weren't stressed out about teaching at string camp (it's my twelfth year doing it and the first few days are always hard because it's impossible to imagine the kids will pull it together and be ready to perform in only a week's time, but they always do) and if I weren't drowning in work at the violin store. It's harder for me to wind down when I have so much going on, so I'm not using this time the way I probably should.
Maybe tonight I'll do something insane, like read. With the dog at my feet. While blasting the soundtrack to The Book of Mormon, which I certainly can't do with the kids around. (I am trying to think of anything wild I could be doing to add to this list, but I am duller than I realized. I don't even drink so it's not like I can toss a glass of wine to this picture. Sheesh.)
Anyway, I'm at least trying to file this away in my mind for the next time the house full of kids is driving me up a wall. Because that wish for an empty house? Emptied it of feeling like a home.