Monday, July 2, 2012

A Body of Work

I suspect that if I live long enough to get to die of a ripe and wrinkly old age I will regret that I wasted so much time and energy being frustrated with my body.

It's unwarranted, my disappointment with it, because it serves me so well.  It works!  No, I haven't put keeping it in its optimum condition a priority, but I can walk and move and see and feel and breathe....  From a vanity standpoint I don't think I'm conventionally cute, but I like my face and wouldn't change it.  I should accept my body's size and shape and concentrate on being healthy and not get so critical.  I know these things.  But it doesn't matter sometimes what I know.

It's a weird line between getting motivated to change and being self-critical.  I'm not in the shape I would like to be in, and it's hard not to feel like a failure about that.  But if I'm too forgiving of myself in that regard then I'm less likely to do something different.  There must be a happy midpoint in there, but instead I tend to ping pong over that net between the two extremes.  I wish I didn't, because as I mentioned, it seems like a colossal waste of time.

I have been back on my 'paleo' (no grains, dairy, sugar, legumes, or processed foods) kick since the first of May.  It does solve my problem with headaches so it's not a completely ridiculous thing to do, but it's not easy.  My husband needed to lose weight for the Army so he did this plan with me this time, and annoyingly lost about as much weight in six weeks as I did in as many months.  (Ugh, men.  A friend told me her dad dropped twenty pounds and when she asked him about it he said, "I just had one scoop of ice cream at night instead of two!"  Yeah.)

I am proud of myself for staying with the stupid food rules even while on our recent road trip.  Those are hard restrictions to follow outside of my own house.  I eat really well most days and enjoy some really nice food, but it's labor intensive making every meal.  I make a good carrot soup, and zucchini strangely enough is a good substitute for noodles, and throw some pine nuts in with my curry stir fry and I'm happy.  I start planning my meals around vegetables, and there is something really satisfying as I watch our groceries at the checkout because it's all produce and whole ingredients and just an occasional box of cereal for the kids, but otherwise it's eggs and apples and kale, etc.

But eating out is hard, and eating with other people is awkward.  I end up eating my hamburger without a bun, and I can't have the chips or the dip or an ice cream cone.  It looks silly and arbitrary (which it is, being self-imposed and not some medical need), and I fear unnecessarily draws other people's attention to what they are eating when they shouldn't have to.  In my opinion it's rude to turn down food offered to you at someone's home, but on my trip I felt like I needed to do it and tried to not make it seem annoying or overly weird.  I know people understand, but sticking to my salad while everyone else indulged in some outrageously good looking pizza was really tough.  But I did it.  I decided I've had pizza in my lifetime.  I've had too much pizza.  The couple of minutes of enjoying more pizza at this time does not outweigh my desire to fit into smaller clothes.  Someday I will eat pizza again.  Just not right now.  So for the first time ever I came back from a vacation a little lighter than when I left.  That's good.

But what's not good is the more weight I lose the more critical I seem to feel about my body.  I can actually tell when my weight goes up a bit because I'm oddly more confident about my appearance.  Why is that?  What screwed up relationship do I have between my brain and my belly that I can't see or feel things clearly in this area?  I just don't know.

As regularly as I can I swim at the Y in the mornings.  Most often I do laps at the same time as the aqua-aerobics class which is populated with old ladies.  (I suppose I should say Seniors, but my grandma used the term old lady and I just like it.  I find it endearing and hope to live long enough to become an old lady.)  I sort through an interesting collection of thoughts and emotions when I'm in the changing room with the aqua-aerobics class.

There is nothing that will make you feel better in a swimsuit than to be at the Y during aqua-aerobics.  I see bodies that are large, lumpy, saggy, discolored, and all kinds of odd.  My overweight, 43-year-old self seems quite young and fit in that environment.

Then I end up next to a lifeguard who appears to be about twelve with perfect skin and has thighs that don't rub together and I blend in better with the old ladies, lumps and all.  I go from feeling sort of aghast that the people with such heavy or peculiar bodies are willing to be seen in bathing suits, to being impressed by how little it matters.  It will seem crazy to me that they to want to be in public in such outfits, and then it seems just as crazy for them not to be out there baring themselves if they wish.  They are not there for a beauty contest, they are there to get healthy and strong, and I admire that.  In the end it's neither heroic nor an affront to fashion, all these different shapes in their different suits.  It's just people living their lives.

The thing is, I intellectually understand where I want to be in terms of my own attitude and level of comfort with myself, and I can't figure out why I put as much importance on my body image as I do.  Because I know, for a fact, that my love for other people is not dependent on their body shapes.  I don't give a damn what size my mom or friends or brothers or cousins wear.  I care in the sense that I'm interested in what matters to them, and if that's something that concerns them then I am concerned too.  But I would love them at any weight or in any condition.  I would not love someone less if their bodies were fat, thin, sick, healthy, or covered with tattoos.  I'm quite sure none of the people in my life who love me do so based on my size.  As long as my husband and kids want to be with me, I bet they feel whatever size I am is the right one.  Which happens to be how I feel about them as well.

I suppose the trick is to be able to extend that kind of love to myself.  I find it a little alarming that apparently I don't.  In the meantime I will continue to pay attention to what I eat and keep exercising as part of a regular routine, because regardless of how I see myself (or don't see myself) I know what the right things I must do are to stay healthy.  If I can't do that at the moment for love of myself, I will do it for those who love me back.


11 comments:

  1. Good for you. Healthy is way more important than shape or dimensions.

    Also, I saw this on facebook just now and wanted to share it with you:
    http://www.minnesotaorchestramusicians.org/?p=1310

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the pro-viola link! Score one for the alto clef team.

      Delete
  2. It's such a cliche to write to someone and say, "you just put into words everything I feel!" - but you did. I've been falling off the no-grains, no dairy wagon, but like you, feel it's almost ridiculous that I've come to think of it as a wagon at all; I try to eat a lot of veggies, I avoid wheat but not all the time, sometimes look in the mirror and feel great and beautiful and strong, and then sometimes look in the mirror and think how little I like my clothes, how nothing fits quite right, how a size 10 would make me perfectly content... I go to the Y as well (the Southshore Y in the morning makes me feel young and fit for the same reasons you mentioned; the Downtown Y has the exact opposite affect) but mostly I just try to keep perspective, to calm down, to realize that one day I'll have to face a real problem, and this really isn't it. Still, I'm right there with you and I appreciate everything you had to say.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for making me feel not so alone. It's a weird topic because it's everywhere but strangely isolating. (And you look great no matter what wagon you think you're on.)

      And yeah, Southshore Y all the way. Don't think I'll venture to the Downtown branch anytime soon.

      Delete
  3. Ah, yes. I understand. I'm not happy with my appearance and I'm working on becoming more healthy. I'm not doing the paleo diet, but we really limit processed foods and carbs around these parts and eat TONS of fresh produce. Summer is so wonderful for that. :o)

    I've lost 35 pounds and have so many more to go. I walk and/or run daily and still feel uncomfortable in my skin. I just want to be satisfied and I can't seem to get there. Why is that? :sigh:

    I'll say this, though, when I'm at Busch Gardens, Water Country, or the pool, I DO begin to feel a bit better about myself. It's amazing what people feel comfortable wearing that I wouldn't...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 35 pounds?! Go Rach! That's awesome. I have no idea why we don't feel satisfied with our appearance more of the time. I think it may be a combination of being not just presented with unrealistic images all the time, but surrounded by snarky criticism of people in the spotlight.

      Delete
  4. I love reading your thoughtful posts, and this one really struck a chord for me. I also do a sort of Paleo type diet, and I know just what you mean about how sticking to particular eating rules raises all kinds of questions about the social meaning of food and body etc. I don't know if this is helpful to you, but I have a couple of practical strategies (and no real insight on the deeper issues you raise). First, I prioritize the wheat restriction. This might just be because of my own body, but wheat is definitely the worst offender for me. I'm more lax about the other restrictions, and tend to think about the affirmative meal goal (meat and vegetables) and pay less attention to what I need to avoid. The other thing I do is eat pretty strictly protein, fat, and veg during the day and then go with the flow more at dinner--if we're having chips and salsa, I eat them; if we're taking the kids for ice cream cones, I get a cup, too.
    My grain-avoidance is not a medical need in any kind of strict sense, and indeed I violate it probably more than I know because I'm not vigilant about trace ingredients. But I do think of the grain thing in particular as being something that has changed my health in measurably positive ways, and that helps me frame the issue to myself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the input! I do plan to reintroduce things like quinoa and rice back into my diet a bit at some point. And maybe a bit of cheese. My thought was when I get down to where I should be I will start doing something like you suggest where for one meal a day I can just eat more normally and be sensible about portion control.

      I do like how creative I have to be though, with such restrictions. For instance I really missed cereal. So now I have a mix of different nuts with unsweetened coconut flakes and raisins with blueberries and banana in a little bowl with either almond or coconut milk. And it's really good! So I don't miss cereal anymore. (But pizza.... no good paleo substitute for that yet.)

      Delete
  5. New motto: Never trust anyone whose thighs don't rub together.

    Don't worry too much about what people think about your Paleo diet. If they ask you can just say it helps your headaches. But I think most people are used to people having particular diets. I have a couple of co-workers who do Paleo. We know, but nobody cares.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Super glad your diet is working for you, feeling good about yourself and feeling healthy are both important things! I did however just see this article and it's a hilarious read, so I went back looking for this post to have an appropriate place to share it with you:
    http://hells-ditch.com/2012/08/archaeologists-officially-declare-collective-sigh-over-paleo-diet/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for sharing that! Gave me a great laugh. But now I want to hear more about that girl who somehow only ate chicken nuggets for 18 years. What the hell?!

      Delete