Misunderstandings are the fuel for most sitcoms. As a child of the
70’s and early 80’s, I remember the point when I figured out that any
episode of Three’s Company could be summed up by saying, “It was a
misunderstanding!” People not quite in sync with one another and not
interpreting each others’ meaning on any kind of stage can be funny.
And if it accidentally makes any of the characters emotional it can be
downright hilarious. But some of that urge to laugh I think is a
release of nervous tension connected to a personal place. Because in
real life few things are more painful than being misunderstood.
I’ve bumped into this truth uncomfortably a few times in the past
several weeks. It’s something I don’t think comes up as a typical
parenting topic, but once you focus on it, it’s pervasive. I’ve written before
that I think the root of most of what gets labeled ‘the mommy wars’ has
to do with our own vulnerabilities, but being misunderstood is close
kin to that. When people start arguing about knee jerk parenting topics
they often stop listening. It can be easy to get drawn in, but then
become frustrated if you don’t feel you are being heard. Worse is when
someone else hears what you say in a manner you didn’t intend at all.
One of my favorite authors is Deborah Tannen,
who writes books about misunderstandings from a linguistics point of
view. Her work was a revelation to me about giving people the benefit
of the doubt. She seems to start from the assumption that in most cases
everyone has good intentions, but subtle differences in communication
can lead to problems. It’s a gracious way of looking at how people
interact that I remind myself to employ as often as I can. I try not to
jump to the conclusion that people are trying to be offensive most of
the time, and if they have rubbed me the wrong way I try to see from
what angle they thought they were being nice. I hope people do the same
for me.
In business the problem of being misunderstood can be very tricky. I
know my words are weighted differently in my store when it comes to
particular topics. I like selling violins, but I don’t want to talk
someone into buying the wrong violin. If I think they will like the
selection someone else has better, I send them there. It really is more
important to me that a player have the right instrument than that I
make a sale, but why would someone who doesn’t know me believe that? I
lack credibility in some ways when I give an opinion because there is a
perceived conflict of interest. When I say to a customer, “I think you
deserve a more expensive bow” I worry that they hear, “I want your money
for my kids’ college fund.” (Or worse yet imagine I have some kind of
boat payment due.) I hope they don’t think I’m doing some typical
salesman routine, but I can’t be sure.
But everything has to do with context, much of which we are not privy
to. We can’t help but judge things from our own frame of reference. I
remember once in college making a comment about a silly thing my dad
said and I meant it as an example of something endearing, but the person
I was talking to frowned in sympathy and replied with a statement about
how difficult family can be. From her frame of reference, silly words
from fathers were not endearing at all. My brother once turned down the
chance to go camping with a friend because, he explained, he had a get
together planned already with his cousins. The friend asked, “Plans
with cousins? Is that a good thing, or a bad thing?” Particularly with
family, one can never make assumptions about the context. There are no universal frames of reference for something so complicated, but we often make the mistake of believing there are.
And of course online text interactions are rife with the opportunity
to be misunderstood because tone of voice and gestures are absent. I’m
impressed as I use Facebook
more how civil people make an effort to be, despite wildly differing
views, but that is still an easy forum to accidentally step on virtual
toes. Aside from the usual problems, there are individual quirks that
can get in the way of being correctly understood. I’ve noticed that if I
use an exclamation point some people take it to mean a vehemence that
is not what I was aiming for. I tend to use exclamation points when I’m
being less than serious, and I forget that other people use them to
provide emphasis. I never use an exclamation point when I am making a
real point because I think they look too hysterical. That’s an easy way
to get misunderstood.
With my children, when we experience a misunderstanding we try to
talk it through. When they were smaller it was almost comical how often
certain problems had to do with them not knowing particular words yet.
I once gave a whole lecture about responsibility and how disappointed I
was that they weren’t living up to theirs, and after listening
patiently to the whole thing Aden finally said, “What’s
re-spon-si-bi-li-ty?” A few months ago when Quinn was sick I asked him
about half a dozen times if he thought he might throw up again before I
let him have the cereal he wanted, and he kept saying, “No” and after he
started eating he asked, “What does throw up mean?” Their idea of what
I expect when I say “Put your clothes away” is not the same one I have
in my head, and everyone is upset because I think they’ve ignored me and
they think they’ve done what I asked and didn’t get credit.
There’s
also the way Mona seems to channel every kind of emotional upset into
something that from my end looks like anger,
but I don’t always read it correctly. When I figure out it’s
embarrassment, or shame, or frustration, it changes drastically how I
interact with her, but only if I understand what’s going on. I have
already started talking to Aden about the ins and outs of how easily
misunderstandings among girls at school can lead to hurt feelings. I’m
hoping by getting her to consider asking people directly about things,
rather than relying on the weird form of rumor communication many girls
tend to resort to, that she can avoid some of the misunderstandings and
pain that that can cause in school. I don’t know how much hope there is
for averting some of that angst, but it’s worth a try.
The times in my life when I have felt most desperately unhappy were
when I felt I was being misinterpreted or dismissed. There is nothing
like knowing people believe something about you that isn’t true. The
injustice of being viewed unfairly hurts. I hate being in a position
where I can’t defend myself, or try to set the record straight.
I thought about that a lot during my kids’ toddler years, because I
bet a lot of the acting out they do at that age has to do with feeling
misunderstood when you think you are being clear. It has to be
confusing and disturbing to finally figure out how to say what you want
and still have the answer be no.
There is a wide range of responses to being misunderstood. In some
cases it’s worth the fight to try to be heard. In others it’s best to
let it go. Sometimes an apology is enough. Sometimes an apology
signals the end. I recently emailed a friend a response to something
about her child that came across to her as flippant and she was hurt.
She felt the need to point it out and I appreciated it. I had phrased
my words the way I had to suggest that the concern at hand was unlikely,
not that I didn’t take it seriously. In this particular case the topic
was one I could appreciate the gravity of. I was glad my friend felt
comfortable enough with me to let me know.
In another instance a couple
of years ago I wrote a mass email where a particular line offended
someone, and in that case when the aggrieved party spoke up I did not
take kindly to it. In that case the seriousness with which the topic
was being perceived I could not relate to, and I was offended that my
intentions could not be clearly discerned. I found it simpler to cut
off further communication rather than risk being misunderstood again,
which seemed likely. Sometimes it’s hard to sort out what is the right
thing to do. I’m sure I’m often wrong.
I remind myself as I observe my children that, as much as I love them
and adore them and take in every quirk and motion and giggle and sob, I
don’t know them the way I think I do. We are each of us fixed in one
body from which to view the world and we are only guessing at what
others see and know. We are all misunderstood. All I ask is for the
occasional benefit of the doubt, and that however they hear what I’m
saying, my kids know it comes from a place of sincerest love.
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