For the past several weeks when people have asked how I’m doing, I’ve been able to say, “It’s hard, but it’s not scary–Ian’s still just training down in Louisiana.” But now I’m scared.
Listening to the news about the shootings at Ft Hood on the radio
while running errands with the kids yesterday was unsettling to say the
least. My husband spent time at Ft Hood during his last deployment, but
this time he’s at Ft Polk. I never considered he might be in danger
while still in the US. Now I don’t know.
I felt the strange, conflicting pieces of emotion I remember from
last time. There is a low level sense of fear that is always present
when my husband is deployed that is impossible to shake. It’s like a
stalker. I’m supposed to go about my life and not worry my kids, but I
have the sense that I should be looking over my shoulder. What I’m
afraid I will see if I do is uniformed soldiers with grim, sympathetic
faces telling me they have bad news. It mkes me want to scream.
Yesterday I had to pick up a package in a place I was unfamiliar with
and I got lost. Quinn was asleep and the girls were playing in the
back. I try very, very hard not to ever yell at them to be quiet when
they are simply having fun, but I was on edge. The sketchy bits of
information about Ft Hood on the radio were not really informative, only
frightening. I kept telling them to keep it down, please, but Mona is
incredibly squeaky. When one of them accidentally clocked the other in
the eye and there were wails and shouts from the back seat, I yelled at
them to look out their respective windows and not talk to each other for
awhile. I told them I was sorry for yelling, but I needed quiet until I
figured out where we were going.
There is no reason for them to know what happened at Ft Hood because
it doesn’t have anything directly to do with their dad. I’m not even
sure why I’m as nervous about it as I am.
I do know that I have the same guilty feelings as before, whenever I
found out that soldiers in Iraq who were hurt or killed were not my
husband. There is relief in knowing someone you love is safe, but grief
that someone else is suffering. I feel like a horrible person for
being glad it was someone else, and not Ian. I don’t know what to do
My heart is breaking for those soldiers’ families today. What a nightmare.