A Memorial Day Note (Babble)

As a resident military family voice here on Babble I felt I should speak up today.  But weirdly I may be the least qualified because I’m not good at this day of remembrance.
I got a lovely call from a relative thanking both my husband for the work he’s doing with the Army in Iraq right now, and me for supporting him and keeping our family together while he does his job.  I appreciated that, because she loves us and cares about us, and her opinion is one I value.  I also appreciated that she attended the local Memorial Day events near her home.  I can’t bring myself to do that, so I’m glad when someone else can. 

When I see parades of uniformed men and women I experience alternating waves of pride and anger and despair and I don’t know what to do with myself.  I try not to let my children see me cry, especially when it’s about feelings so confused that I can’t even explain it to them.  So we avoid military parades.

I have incredibly mixed feelings about the pomp and circumstance associated with all things military.

There is no single category of people who deserve praise across the board merely because they share the same title, whether that title be American soldier, priest, doctor or mom.  I don’t want to lump the service my grandfather did in the Second World War with any of the people who disgraced their uniform by committing atrocities at Abu Ghraib.  I accept the gratitude strangers ask me to pass along to my husband because I know the service he’s doing is honorable and he has earned the praise he gets.  I don’t make blanket assumptions like that about other soldiers, but I give them the benefit of the doubt the same as I do in general for many, regardless of their profession.


The people I admire most are the ones who quietly and consistently work to help others using whatever talents or resources they have.  Some do that as soldiers, others as firefighters, some as scientists or artists or musicians or teachers or nurses or compassionate neighbors.  Many people who deserve to be memorialized are not and never will be.  I’m thankful beyond all measure that there are people like my husband willing to risk their lives so that I may have the freedom to speak and work out my thoughts on such matters without fear of my government.  I appreciate my way of life and understand the sacrifices so many have made so I can enjoy it.  I don’t take that lightly.

But I also believe that we have squandered and abused the willingness to sacrifice of many soldiers and it upsets me deeply.  Just because someone is ready to give his or her life for this country doesn’t mean he or she should do it now or for just any cause.  I am willing to lay down my life for any of my children, but not to throw my body in front of a bus for something like being on time to school.  The cause must be worthy or at least perceived that way.  This particular cause my husband is involved in may be worth his time, but from my point of view it’s not worth his life, so I hope every day it doesn’t come to that.

The medals and ribbons and flag waving and parades are in part sincere tribute, and I’m glad it’s offered.  Part of me is suspicious that it is also there to lead people too young to grasp what their lives could be into joining an organization that seems to offer them glory and respect but that may simply lead to death.  Every time they run an ‘In Memoriam’ segment on the news listing the names and ages of soldiers killed recently, I want to look away and I can’t.  I wouldn’t want people looking away from my husband’s name if it were on such a list.  I end up sitting on the kitchen floor crying, hoping the kids continue playing happily in the yard and don’t stumble across me.  Because those aren’t good teachable moments.  They are moments when I’m too vulnerable to monitor what I say, and my children are too young to be burdened with their mother’s darker thoughts, which are these:

Every day is someone’s Memorial Day.  My grandfather served in the Navy, but I try to honor him every day.  I grieve for him every December 2nd which is when he died.  I’m not going to let someone else dictate when I should remember my grandfather or for what.  And many people grieve for loved ones who died for nothing.  War should not be celebrated and made to look exciting or noble.  War is something the human race should be ashamed that it sometimes must resort to.

As I say, I’m not good at this holiday.  But I think my husband still loves me anyway, and his is the only military opinion I care about.  On this Memorial Day I’m going to go downstairs after I shut my laptop and make my kids blueberry pancakes.  I don’t want them to think about war just because the calendar says we should.  We will play in the yard and maybe go swimming at the Y.  We will read books and make music and live the kind of life people have made great sacrifices to make possible.  I’ll choose my own day to mourn the dead.  That’s not today.

Care Package Pitfalls (Babble)

This is a post I wanted to make sure to write while my husband is still visiting before he ships out to Iraq soon.  This is not me speculating about this topic, this is me reporting what some actual soldiers think while I have one reading over my shoulder to make sure I’m being accurate.  So here it is:

Many care packages sent to soldiers overseas are well-intentioned but lousy.  It’s a harsh truth I haven’t seen addressed anywhere, because I know nobody wants to make a person feel bad for trying to do something so nice, but in many cases all the time and effort and expense put into care packages for soldiers could be better spent elsewhere.

I’m not talking about personal packages to specific soldiers.  My husband loves getting articles from my dad and cookies from my kids and amusing things from my brothers and letters from me.  That’s all fine.  Pieces of home are a welcome distraction and a reminder of what’s important.  No, the care packages I’m talking about are the ones organized by churches and classrooms and local businesses and scout troops.  By people who want to do something because they have good hearts and want to make someone in a tough situation feel a little better. 

That’s such a lovely thought that I’m sure people will think I’m a monster for even suggesting that there could be anything negative to this, but here is the part those people don’t consider:  Someone, somewhere is risking his or her life to deliver that package.  Notes from strangers and decks of cards and flavoring for coffee are not worth that risk.  I even make sure to consolidate as much as I can into a single package when I mail things to Iraq because I don’t want that on my conscience.  I plan for a package every six weeks or so, mostly with a DVD of the kids and some of their art and some cookies for him to share and any letters anyone wants to add.  As sweet as it sounds to send a little note every day or every week, I see that as profoundly selfish and irresponsible.   The only kind of regular communication I try to keep up with is email.  it’s erratic, but it poses no one any harm.


There is probably a soldier who doesn’t get mail who likes these random boxes, but I’ve never met one.  I would love to make you a list of useful items that any soldier would be happy to get while deployed, but I can’t name any.  Friends and family sent my husband some books last time that I know he appreciated, but so much of what gets sent there has to be abandoned.  It’s a hard place to keep anything with you, and a lot of things aren’t worth shipping back home.

So where would people’s good will and fund raising efforts be better spent if they want to really support the troops?

The best services offered to Ian while he was deployed were through the USO.  They understood what soldiers really needed better than anyone.  The USO, besides putting on shows, also provides internet cafes so soldiers can stay in touch with home better, recreation tents for when they have down time, and little lounges at major airports so they can relax while in uniform with a bit more privacy.  Ian said these things have been crucial to helping soldiers preserve their sanity and have helped far more than any random package ever did.  If you want to help soldiers, the USO is a worthy place to volunteer or put your money.

And many soldiers will tell you their real worries aren’t for themselves anyway, but for their families back home.  Anything you can do to help out the family of a soldier is the real gift, because they can’t be there to do it themselves.  Ian is happier and better able to focus on his job if he knows the kids and I are okay.  War may be hell, but it’s apparently nothing compared to feeling helpless after a call to your loved ones and finding out something is wrong and there’s nothing you can do.

I know it sounds self serving for me to say ‘if you mow my lawn you’re helping your country,’ but honestly, I don’t even care if I’m the one who gets help.  There are people in need all around us all the time.  Help someone nearby instead of helping the idea of someone far away.  Maybe if all of us did more of that there would be less need to deploy soldiers at all.