Telling people Ian is deployed in Iraq is odd because it isn’t
simple. It means different things to different people, even within our
family.
Ian can’t stand it when people react to the news of his getting
shipped out in a negative way, usually with what he calls ‘the cancer
voice’–where people grimace a little and say, “Oh, I’m so sorry.” It’s
his job and he likes it. It’s challenging and important. He’s a Major,
so it’s not what most people first picture when they imagine him
‘fighting.’ The work he’s doing over there right now involves tackling
corruption and using his engineering skills to solve basic problems.
He’s perfectly suited to what he’s doing and he’s making a difference.
Whatever you think of the situation in Iraq right now (and personally I
hate that we’re there at all), Ian is exactly the kind of person we are
lucky to have there trying to fix things. I’m sure if there were a
magic way he could do his job and not be so far away from us he would be
happier, but it is what it is.
I remind Ian, however, that the cancer voice sentiments apply to my
part of the situation just fine. There is no feeling of accomplishment
at our end. I’m trying to hold things together as best I can, but most
of the time I’m stretched very thin, can’t get everything done that I
need to, and I’m scared. I try not to play what I think of as ‘the
deployment card’ when dealing with people, but sometimes at work I need
to let people know why my store doesn’t have normal hours. I have to
operate by appointment only in order to spread out the interactions with
customers to a manageable level. There is always at least one child
with me which keeps things unpredictable, and rather than let people
think I don’t have any sense of professionalism or that I don’t want
their business, I explain that my husband is deployed but things should
go back to normal in the fall. Most people are pretty accommodating as
long as there is a reason, and deployment is a pretty good reason.
In any case, as much as Ian would prefer not to look at his chance to
do the work he’s trained for as bad news, from here it’s hard not to
see it that way. Most of the people I talk to understand it in that
light, and when you tell people about your own misfortunes of any kind,
they usually say, “If there is anything I can do….” I know that’s what I
say, and I know most of us mean it as we’re saying it. But some people
are profoundly better at following through with that idea than others.
I aspire to be one of those people when I’m in a better position to do
so.
I do the best I can, snatching at small opportunities when they
present themselves to help make someone’s day a little better or easier,
but it’s hard when I’m always scrambling around just to keep my own
family running. I’m in awe of people who are truly prepared and willing
to help when it’s needed even when they are obviously busy too, and
there are more of them than I can believe sometimes. I make mental
notes of clever ways people can be helpful when I see them so I’ll have
more to offer others sometime than the words, “If there is anything I
can do….” Here are some examples I’ve witnessed of kindness in action.
An experience that stays with me from back before I had children and
was still commuting 40 miles away to violin making school every day, was
witnessing an accident on the freeway. I was driving behind an elderly
man who passed out behind the wheel and crashed into a barricade and
flipped his car over. It was really frightening and my car wasn’t
affected, but since I’d witnessed the accident I pulled over to tell any
officials arriving at the scene what little I knew. I didn’t think
there was anything I could actually do to help and I didn’t want to be
in the way, so I kept my distance for awhile.
But I was stunned at how
many other people did think of ways to help. Several people pulled over
just to offer some small service before continuing on their respective
commutes. One woman asked the old man, still hanging upside down in his
car, if there was anyone she could call for him on her cell phone or
anyone he wanted to talk to. He had her call his wife. Another man
stopped simply to leave a blanket to keep the man warm if he went into
shock. I got to watch the paramedics do their jobs brilliantly. The
man who helped the elderly driver out of his car and onto a stretcher,
checked him over carefully before smiling at his patient and saying in
an amused voice, “What did you do?” which made the old guy relax and
respond with a laugh saying, “I don’t know!” Transportation department
people efficiently blocked off the scene, the police gathered
information…. It was a tremendous display of everyone doing everything
they should have with care and I was deeply moved by the whole thing. I
don’t think enough of us appreciate just how often people do things
right in the course of a typical day. Since then I try to keep a
blanket in my car that I can afford to spare should I happen upon
someone who may really need it.
A fellow musician in town recently struggled with an ugly bout of
breast cancer. Her medical bills were going to be an increasing
problem, so a few people organized a fundraising dinner. It was a
lovely event where we all contributed money and I know the musician was
grateful, but it was the creative contributions I learned about while at
that dinner that truly impressed me. One person had volunteered to
come out to her house and teach her violin students for her while she
was sick. That was a stroke of genius in my opinion, because I wouldn’t
have thought of a way to apply the skill of teaching violin in a manner
that was useful to someone fighting cancer, but it allowed her to keep
her normal income and not disrupt her students’ schedules. I love it
when people find ways to use what they already do in a charitable
capacity.
In my own life I am continually amazed by which people are the ones
who step up to help. Of course my mom will always help when she can
because she’s my mom. But my cousin out in Minnesota? I’ve always
loved and admired Ann, but when you ask for volunteers to help you move
you don’t expect any of the out of state people to respond. Ann
immediately offered up her husband’s muscles and her own child
entertaining abilities, and told me to pick a weekend and they would
drive six hours with two small kids to come help. That’s amazing and I
will be forever grateful. (Ann can have her pick of any organs I can
spare should she ever need them.)
People who help you move are in a special category anyway, but some
of my newest friends were among the first to volunteer. Moving is
repetitive and rough and not easy, and all who have made themselves
available to carry furniture across the street for me have been cheerful
about it. Again, several of them are not the people I would have
expected to appear at my doorstep, but how wonderful to learn the circle
of people you can count on is so wide? Robyn got her exercise for the
week moving all my books, her husband helped hoist furniture, Bonnie
Jean and her hsuband found time to pitch in with lots of heavy lifting
in the middle of their busy schedule, Kate moved the pachinko machine
and children’s books among other things, Howard moved my bed and a ton
of things from the garage, and my cousin’s husband Dave tirelessly made a
million and a half trips with every heavy thing I own the whole
weekend. That’s above and beyond.
There is Laurie whom I know both through orchestra and mandolin
rehearsals, who has started offering herself up at unexpected times to
play with my kids so I can run away for a little while. I’ve always
liked Laurie, but I never would have guessed she might be someone to
spontaneously offer help when I needed it. I got to paint part of my
new kitchen in peace thanks to Laurie when she called out of the blue
and agreed to help Aden use her Easy Bake Oven for a couple of hours.
It’s hard to ask for help, so never underestimate the value of simply
handing a busy parent a block of time. That’s a lesson I’m keeping in
my back pocket in order to help others. I do take other people’s kids
for a few hours when I’m able even now while I’m so busy, just because I
know how much it helps sometimes.
Another cousin (of my mom’s gerneration), Carol, has made us dinner a
couple of times. Food always tastes better when you don’t have to make
it yourself! She’s cooked the food in our house and kept an eye on the
kids while I taught, and she’s also sent along a casserole to make
things easier. (I would love to go cook for someone who could use it,
but that will have to wait for a time when I’m not a traveling circus
everywhere we go.)
My brother’s girlfriend down in Texas is flying up for a couple of
weeks in March just to help. I liked Kristie the first time I met her,
but to find out the depth of her sincerity is amazing. When we first
got the news of Ian’s deployment her immediate reaction was, “I will go
up and stay with them for a week to help,” and she’s actually doing it.
Having a second adult in the house is like suddenly being able to fly.
While Kristie is here I won’t have to take everyone with me on errands,
I can go out for a walk alone when they are all asleep, and get some
real work done in the new house. That’s a huge gift, and from an
unexpected place. (Barrett, if you let this woman get away you’ll have
some serious explaining to do.)
And there isn’t enough room on any blog to adequately thank my
friends Carol and Chris. There is no way I’d be actually moving into
the new house anytime soon without their help. It’s painful to sit in
this house with the kids when I can practically see from my window all
the work that needs to happen across the street. I feel trapped some
days, wishing I could go paint or organize something in the new house,
but I can’t leave the kids alone. (Occasionally I march them all over
there with me, but the noise and running around drives me crazy, and one
time Mona ended up in urgent care with a twisted ankle, so that
backfired big time.) I’ve done as many trips as I feel comfortable
with, carrying boxes over while bringing along my cell phone in case
during the minute and a half I’m gone something happens even though they
are just playing with legos. So Carol and Chris paint and clean when I
can’t. And the nice thing is that even though I can’t be doing all of
this house preparation with my husband, it’s nice watching some husband
and wife team working on it. I watch the two of them tackling projects
together and checking in on their own kids and wish so much I could have
that again soon.
Between all my friends and relatives who have offered their time and
effort, there is love going into the work on that house, and that will
help make it a real home. That means a lot to me. They understand how
hard it must be to do any of this alone and they’re doing something
about it. (If I ever run into someone insane enough to move with small
children while his or her spouse is out of the country, I will know what
kind of help to offer!)
This is the positive result of being willing to tell people about
Ian’s deployment. It’s the kind of situation that inspires certain
people to action, and it’s incredible to see. I met Carol initially
because I was struggling during the last deployment with getting my
daughter into the school building each morning. She’s the kind of
person who probably would have helped anyway, but she saw a mom in
trouble and jumped in, and now I have one of the best friends anyone
could ask for. I don’t know how I’d be doing without the kindness of so
many people both near and far.
I’m looking forward to a day, though, where I’m not the one who needs
so much help. I want to be the one who jumps in and rescues someone
else for awhile.
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