“Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”
This is the opening line of Anna Karenina by Tolstoy. It’s a great
opening line for a novel, no argument about that. (Although my own
personal favorite is: “It was a bright cold day in April, and the
clocks were striking thirteen,” from Orwell’s 1984. If I get to go with
the first two lines of a novel, my vote goes to: “Far out in the
uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm
of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a
distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly
insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms
are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a
pretty neat idea.” –Douglas Adams, Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.)
The line does its job setting up Tolstoy’s novel brilliantly, but the
quote itself gets tossed around too often as a great truth. If I dwell
on this quote too long it irritates me. This seems like a good forum
for getting this annoyance off my chest, so if anyone feels like
speaking up on behalf of Tolstoy, go for it, but here is my reasoning
why this quote has it wrong.
I will acknowledge that there may be universal qualities to happiness
that could make it indistinguishable from one person to another, but
the same can be argued of pain. Basic guidelines exist for trying to
help unhappy families, so in some ways they are probably all alike too.
There are whole support groups that can nod in empathy when someone
stands up and describes a family experience marred by alcohol abuse or
drug addiction. For many, struggling with a dysfunctional family is
easier when they discover they are not unique.
For people who do not have a first hand experience with a happy
family, they may in fact all seem the same. There is trust and smiling
and happy families usually lack drama. It may seem bland or
superficial. If happiness is a prize, then defending happy families may
seem as unnecessary as award shows often do, where equally beautiful
and successful people congratulate one another on being beautiful and
successful. Why continue to congratulate winners?
But this quote rubs me the wrong way precisely because it shows a
fundamental misunderstanding of what a happy family even is. I feel as
if a judgment is being cast and the true nature of particular families
is being dismissed as uninteresting and unworthy of consideration. I
disagree. Happy families are not all alike.
I gave this a lot of thought this summer when I was visiting a friend
of mine in rural Ohio. I love her little family. She and her husband
have chosen a life for their two little girls that has much to recommend
it. They live on a large piece of land in the country where their kids
run free and spot frogs and grow cucumbers. They watch crops grow, can
play with the hose all day if they want to, and see a million stars at
night. The girls get a lot of attention and go to school and art class
very close to home. By any measure these kids are thriving. They are
smart and funny and lively and I am always impressed when I hear about
what they are up to. As a family they enjoy cartoons, require a car,
and have a loose eating schedule. I couldn’t live how they live, but I
understand the appeal.
My brother and his wife live in New York City. Their daughter is
also thriving, but the choices they have made to provide her with the
opportunites she enjoys in the city are very different. My niece’s
world involves subway commutes, no television, a night sky with a
solitary star, and by necessity a shorter leash. She is one of the
brightest, most charming children I’ve ever known, and when I visit my
brother’s home each spring it’s always exciting. The living space is
tight, but there is a whole world of museums and parks and stores right
outside the door. It’s an amazing life. It’s not one I could live
happily.
My world is somewhere in between. I like my quiet neighborhood in a
moderately sized city. I like to visit the country, but it’s too
isolated for me. I like visiting big cities too, but I would not be
happy there on a permanent basis. Too much motion in every direction.
So what I was thinking about this summer while I relaxed on my friend’s
porch in Ohio was how the different needs of specific families manifest
themselves in the environment they settle into. The things that make my
friend’s family happy and able to achieve what they do would make my
brother and his family very uncomfortable. I also cannot imagine my
friend trying to raise her kids in New York without its driving her
crazy. I could be completely wrong in these assumptions, but I don’t
think it’s chance these families have ended up where they have. They
are happy in markedly different ways and their choices reflect that.
I have a friend from high school who has a husband and three kids. A
few years ago we were all at my grandmother’s cottage on vacation and I
passed the room they were all sleeping in right as they were settling
the kids into bed. I heard her say in soothing maternal tones, “They’re
magically delicious,” and one of her daughters piped up, “Lucky
Charms.” Then she said, “Golden honey, just a touch, with grahams
golden wheat,” and another child said, “Golden Grahams.” It went on
like this for awhile, and when the kids were down for the night and my
friend came out to join the adults I asked her what that was all about.
She laughed and explained that that was just something they all did in
their house. They recited commercials while the others guessed what
cereals they were for. She’d never realized how odd that must look from
the outside. That is a happy family unlike any other and I’m glad to
know them.
There are families that are happiest when they are hunting together,
others when they watch sports or make music or go hiking. Some families
know things are going right when everyone’s talking, and others know
bliss when things are silent. There are families that stay amused by
being sarcastic, and others that would find that appalling. I’ve met
many happy families that I admire and have learned from, but never one
I’ve envied. My happy family is just right for me. There isn’t another
one like it anywhere. I cherish it and appreciate it for the unique
entity it is. Tolstoy should have gotten out more.
My second least favorite quote? Five minutes before we head out to
school in the morning: “Mom? Can you help me with my homework?”
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