I’ve been thinking lately about how it’s probably unusual that Ian
and I never staked out certain sides of the bed. Most couples I know
who share a bed seem to establish fixed sides. It makes sense,
especially when you have nightstands on either side to store your
things. My dad’s side of the bed has always had a crossword puzzle next
to it, and my mom’s a book and the alarm clock. Ian and I always just
went to sleep wherever on the bed. If I’m there by myself I’m in the
middle, and often (when he’s home) if I’m there reading or working on
something, Ian will stand at the end and say, “Well, which side am I
on?” before he gets in.
When we started having kids, we dubbed the two sides of the bed “The
Working Side” and “The Vacation Side.” Whoever was in charge of getting
the baby in the middle of the night took the working side, and whoever
was allowed to sleep through it got the vacation side. As the kids got
older, the working side mostly meant whoever was going to make
breakfast. Before Ian left for his deployment he tried to give me the
vacation side of the bed as often as possible. After he left, the whole
thing was just “the bed” and it didn’t really have sides anymore. It
seems too big when it’s just me in the middle, and often when I have the
bed to myself I sleep diagonally just to use more of it up.
But after Ian had been gone a few weeks, Quinn asked more and more often if he could sleep in my bed. He
has a twin size bed in the same room as his sisters, and at first he
would let me put him to bed when they went down for the night because he
liked the ritual of it, but after a minute he would get up and come
into my room. “Can I sleep in your bed, mom?” he would ask in his sweet
little voice, holding his stripey blanket and beaming up at me with his
dimples and his squinty eye. How can I say no? There is plenty of
room and he is a sound and gentle sleeper. After a few nights in a row
of letting him come to my bed, I came upstairs to find he’d simply set
himself up with his own pillow and a blanket, a few stufffed animals and
a book. He gave me the proudest smile when I found him there. He’s
been there pretty much ever since.
I was worried it would be a problem when his dad came back for
Thanksgiving, but he was surprisingly good. I explained every night for
more than a week beforehand that when Ian was here he’d have to sleep
in his own bed. Quinn did stay in his own bed all three nights of Ian’s
visit, but I also promised he could come back to my bed if he wanted
when daddy left, and I think that was the key to his compliance. The
day Ian flew back to Fort Polk, Quinn set up all of his things again on
the far side of my bed.
I know a lot of people have issues about letting kids sleep in your
bed, and normally I tend to agree with that. When Ian is home there
isn’t room for an extra body in the bed. I make exceptions for when one
of the kids is sick or has a bad dream, and Ian and I kind of draw
straws to see which one of us is headed for the couch downstairs rather
than all of us being uncomfortable in one bed. More often then not,
however, the girls prefer their own beds, and I’m glad. I like that
they like thier beds.
But things have always been different with my son. During the last
deployment, I was pregnant with Quinn for a good chunk of time, so he
was technically with me in the bed then. I used an Arm’s Reach
co-sleeper after he was born, so he was next to me for months. After I
started putting him into his crib at night, he’d still want some cozy
snuggle time in the morning in my bed. He was nice company then and he
still is. I’ve heard people say that letting kids sleep in your bed
does not count as spending ‘quality’ time with your kids, but I
disagree. There is a lot of cuddling and giggling, and I like that I’m a
source of comfort even when he’s not conscious. He likes to press up
against me at night, and if I move off into my own space he pats around
in his sleep until he finds me and cuddles up again. It’s nice.
And frankly, I don’t sleep well alone. By myself I lie awake and my
thoughts tend to race around. I obsess about things both big and small
and I get restless. On bad nights I even scare myself with where my
thoughts go. When Quinn snuggles up I’m just happy. He’s warm and dear
and he reminds me I’m loved in the middle of the night when I’m most
likely to feel lonely. I like to think I do the same for him.
By the time Ian returns from Iraq next fall, the plan is to shift
around all of our sleeping arrangements anyway so that Quinn will
finally have his own room. With a little luck, all the crazy
transitions happening then (Ian being home, Quinn starting school,
moving things around…) should distract from the fact that he’s not
sleeping next to me anymore. We’ll see. It’s impossible to predict
what his needs will be in a year on a lot of levels, not just
surrounding sleep.
In the meantime, barnacle boy remains by my side both day and night.
There are times during waking hours where I dream of a break, but never
at night. The bed feels better with him in it. So after years and
years of sharing a bed with my husband and not developing a habit of
staking out a particular side, I now share the bed with a bitty boy who
has become entrenched on one side, with his toy cat and his copy of
‘Caps for Sale.’ It shouldn’t surprise anyone that I am always on the
working side.
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